When that little plus sign becomes the greatest addition.
The 1 year anniversary of finding out I was pregnant.
I had just returned from a sweet little newlywed getaway to the Grand Canyon with my husband, Billy. He had convinced me to make the 8 hour drive (both ways) all in the name of love.
We had just gotten married 3 months before so I was crazy and high on that new marital bliss so I agreed (I hate car trips). We hadn't taken our "big" honeymoon. We opted for a "stay-cation" or "mini-moon" and stayed at the cutest cottage in Laguna Beach on the weekend of our wedding. We acted like the big kids we are at Disneyland. Drank complimentary champagne in bed in our hotel robes. It was lovely. Our dream was to save up and create the honeymoon of our dreams. A European vacation to top them all. The Sistine chapel, ancient ruins, the best museums, the yummiest restaurants, train rides, the alps, you name it. We figured we may only get one shot to do it, so we were going to do it right.
We arrived at the Grand Canyon around 3pm after driving all morning and afternoon from California to Nevada. Drives always bring out the goofiest sides of us. I swear we need a podcast where we just drive around and tell jokes because that's where our best work comes out. We ate your typical road trip junk, sang all the songs, listened to all the news, and had our usual deep drive conversations. When we arrived, the air was so cold and crisp, the sun was shining beautifully in the western sky, and I got a sudden rush of that altitude shift. We bundled up and went on our way. Since it was already late in the day, we did just a hair of the Bright Angel trail. There was snow packed in all the shady corners. The pinks and oranges of the canyon walls shone so brightly in that clean, clear air. We met an older couple on the trail and chatted for a while on a boulder overlooking some of the best canyon views on the south rim. Once the sun was about to set, we made our way into Flagstaff where we stayed the night. I was exhausted! surely the altitude and junk food didn't help. The bartender at the restaurant offered me a drink and I just couldn't even stomach the thought. We had planned on taking in the bar-scene downtown but opted on a movie (Black Panther) because we were THAT tired. The Black Panther soundtrack will always be the soundtrack in my mind of this time in our life. I even recall my stomach feeling queasy while we checked in to the hotel. I figured I just needed lots of water and an actual meal. The lodge pizza wasn't doing the trick.
The next day, we decided to walk a pretty good stretch of the rim BEFORE tackling the South Kaibab trail. We've frequented some of the toughest trails in Yosemite, so we figured, "why not?" ...........I'll tell you why not. You start your hike by going down hill, and finish going UP. period. That is the only reason you need. I was huffing and puffing. Why? I was doing rounds on rounds of kickboxing with my husband and felt in some of the best shape I had ever been in at that time. I was convinced I had developed asthma and that we were just going to have to bury me in the walls of the canyon. We even met a mule guide from our hometown! What are the chances? I begged him to take me back up on his horse. (jokingly, but not jokingly). By the end of that day, I was ready to get home! As we headed out, the snow started falling! Despite the lure it had to keep us there an extra day, I was ready to be in my own bed.
Once we got home, I think I took a 5 hour nap. Everybody who knows me, knows I love a good nap. But I still couldn't help but to think that this was different. My body just felt weird. I wasn't technically "late" yet, but I just had that inkling. To give some background, we had been using the Billing's ovulation method for about 3 years very successfully in conjunction with the good ole.... well, my husband will kill me for being too candid, but it rhymes with the bull trout method. We had it down pat. And I only mention this because I had a terrible time over the years with oral contraceptives and made a conscious, moral decision to stop them. (I highly suggest the Billing's method. You AND your partner get to know your body so much better and you don't need all those exogenous hormones) ANY-WHO. We knew, however, that the month before, we had gotten very close to our "red window". On our wedding day, I had an epiphany. My heart was spoken to and I knew from that moment forward I would be open to the idea of creating life. With that being said.... I wasn't "ready". (but are we ever?). I am the type of personality that, if I had left getting pregnant up to when I was "ready", I would have NEVER gotten pregnant. A few days later, I decided to take a test.
Billy normally goes to play basketball on Wednesday nights and for some reason I decided to take a pregnancy test while he was out of the house. I had taken pregnancy tests before and always knew with 95% certainty that they would always come back negative. This time was different. On one hand, I couldn't believe that I was THAT fertile, but I already knew what was going to show up on that stick. I think I was already in a surreal, dream state before I opened the packaging. The first test was your basic "two lines means positive" test. it only took 30 seconds and that second faint line began to show. 2-21-18 @ 9:21pm. "Yup....okay....well........................" was my reaction. I pulled out a second digital test and JUST to utilize all testing methods, this time, I used a cup and dipped the stick in. After about 1 minute, the test read, "Yes+". I text Billy to see when he would be home. It just so happened that the gym was occupied that day so he and the guys went to eat instead. GREEEEEAT. I was trying to rush him home without being too obvious. I don't know how my voice didn't give it away. I documented my own reaction (mainly because I did it without Billy) through out this process and listening to my voice, I can tell I was not fully..........I don't know the word to use..... I guess it just hadn't really hit me. I seemed so casual or nonchalant. "So I'm freaking out a little bit, umm....ya." I say in one video with the CALMEST voice. I was sitting on the bathroom floor right next to the toilet, as most do. When I heard the garage door opening, my heart nearly beat into my throat. (maybe that was vomit). I thought I was out of breath at the Grand Canyon. That had nothing on this. This was everything he had ever wanted since I met him 7 years prior. But I wasn't so enthralled by the idea of motherhood. I just never thought I was made for it. I wasn't a natural-born nurturer (so I thought). I am selfish. I want to travel. What about our dream honeymoon? What about school? My career? It's ALL over.
Billy came through the garage door and called out for me. I said, "Over here!". I was still sitting on the floor when he came into the room. He laughed when he saw me and asked what I was doing. I didn't say a word. I just pointed at the tests on the ground. I think I was actually covering my mouth. Even in this life-changing moment, I was embarrassed to show emotion. Blame it on the Irish stoicism. Highly emotional (that's my Hispanic side), but hate to share my emotions; Good or bad. He saw the tests and just said, "Really?!" with the most beaming grin and started to tear up. He knelt down to hug me and a began to bawl. All I said was, "I'm scared" as I cried into his shoulder. Nearly 30-years-old and you would have thought I was "16 and pregnant". I was even scared to tell my parents. I'm a married woman for goodness' sake. I was immediately guilty for not feeling as joyful as my husband. I was terrified. I instantly loved that little bean and wanted to protect it with my life, but I was not your definition of "happy". Not yet anyhow.
screen-grabs from a video of my reaction.
I could get so deep into the roots of my hesitation to motherhood. I could tell you all about the list of reasons I never pictured myself as a mom, despite knowing I loved the idea of a family. (the Irish are also not known to delve into psychoanalysis..instead we turn to *cue surprised gasp* STORYTELLING). This is just the very beginning of the story. A fleeting moment, actually. A blip in our timeline. The responsibility of all of this felt SO heavy. I was already failing my husband with my lack of enthusiasm. The guilt of stealing that joy from him was not lost on me. I felt unworthy of this blessing that just felt like a precursor to a lot of heartache to come. I couldn't tell you why. I just remember begging God not to "teach me a lesson" by taking this blessing away. I promised I would do my best, despite my irrational emotions.
I can't believe it has already been a year since that day. In a lot of ways, I still feel like I've let my husband down. Between those early emotions of uncertainty, the mood swings during pregnancy, and the postpartum depression, I know I've unintentionally and inadvertently put a damper on the whole experience. All the moms in the world could tell me that those emotions were not my fault and not to be so hard on myself, but......it is what it is. I'm realizing just how fast time flies. It has all been a lesson on taking it day by day and just owning your emotions and learning how to display them. It has taken me about 3 hours to type this post. Between dividers, I breastfed, changed a diaper, sang some songs, cried loving tears, and rocked my sweet girl to sleep. I've looked back at her sweet sleeping face 20x. My body, my heart, the way I think, my purpose, the very makeup of my DNA.....it has all changed in the blink of a year.
I was just planning the honeymoon of a lifetime a year ago. My heart still aches for the experiences I may never get to have. I still ask God not to "punish" me for those thoughts that feel so superficially selfish and ungrateful of me. I didn't know where I was going with this post when I started it. All I know is, that little plus sign has become the greatest addition to my life. I'll eventually get back to planning that trip, only this time, with my "plus 1". She started her journey at the Grand Canyon as my little passenger and I plan on taking her for our ride around the world!